To: Vienna Symphony Governors
from:The Symphony musicians
As the governors know, we have had ongoing problems with the guest talent booked for next season. The issue has reached a head, and we feel we can no longer tolerate the situation. We ask that we all come together and agree to do something to remedy this situation. Our concerns, which we intend to outline, are collectively so grievous that we cannot let it be. If we cannot do this, we feel that the performance and the orchestra's makeup for next season are in jeopardy.
We have many issues, but we must first address Maxwell's Silver Hammer! The man is an absolute menace with this particular item, and we would like to bring to everyone's attention that many musicians play the bells quite adequately with the mallets supplied and have never felt the need to wield a heavy silver sledgehammer when playing the bells!
The danger is not just to the other musicians in the percussion section but also to the bells themselves; they show considerable wear and tear from his overzealous playing. When we mentioned the instruments' degradation due to his hammer use, his only reply was, "Oh, Darling, the bells will be just fine, and the tone when I go bang bang with my silver hammer does sound beautiful, does it not?"
The next item that needs addressing must be the bassoon player. The man is an absolute chauvinist pig, and the disgust his behavior causes the rest of the orchestra is a real problem!
We admit that he has lightning hands on the instrument, but we have heard from many of our female musicians that his bassoon is not the only subject of his lightning hands. One well-endowed woman (lovely Rita) from the woodwind section likened coming in contact with him in the hall to falling into an octopus' garden! She said he was all over her. This type of behavior cannot continue!
Third, we must address the harpist, Michelle. We have to do something there, as there is no good way for her to sit gracefully with the instrument. Leaving her to sit at the stage front, as she is currently, will likely distract our audience, especially those who sit just in front of her. This "distraction" will adversely affect our reviews; as you know, most critics sit near the front of any show they are reviewing!
If the governors do not think this will be a problem, we ask that they come to a rehearsal, sit in the gallery facing her (she's so heavy), and see for themselves! We believe the governors will agree that we need to move her and her harp to the rear of the orchestra, as unconventional as that may be.
Fourth, we need curtains for the windows above the rear gallery seating. We understand that most of our performances will be in the evening, but apparently, the guest cellist is a weatherman in the off-season. He cannot help himself but comment on the weather whenever it changes.
Just today, we were rehearsing and had an audience of retirees in, and in the middle of an orchestra-wide two-measure rest, he said as plain as day, "Here comes the sun!"
Now we all enjoy a sunny day, but this conduct is entirely unprofessional! If we cannot get curtains so he cannot see the weather outside, we must schedule all performances featuring him to begin after dark.
Finally, we must discuss the guest conductor. We agree that the man is a genius and interprets Vivaldi like no one we have ever played with, but his ad-libbing has no place in a symphony orchestra! The other day, while rehearsing the second movement of the Spring section of "The Four Seasons," the Largo section, he suddenly went inexplicably off the page, directing us helter skelter! The poor violas, scratching their strings as fast as they could, were wholly lost, reminiscent of that disastrous concert we gave that time back in the U.S.S.R.!
We have tried to address these issues informally, but we now feel that we must formally register our complaints because of the grave nature of these issues. We have a whole medley of other matters to address, but these are the most pressing items before we start the season with paying customers.
Sincerely,
The Vienna Symphony Orchestra Musicians
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